Dear Eating Disorder
A LETTER TO MY EATING DISORDER
My un-dearest ED,
Where do I begin? You know every deep and dark secret about me. You have caressed the worst of me. You have held me when I felt alone. You have kissed me when I felt unloved. You have touched wounds I felt ashamed to show. You played my heart like a violin, sad and crying through my veins. The thing is, I have always loved the saxophone; vibrant and alive. Nothing you have ever allowed me to be. But oh how the tables have turned in recovery. I know you better than you know me. See, I know EVERTHING about you, but you know nothing of my best. You fear that part of me. The most beautiful thing is how much of my best has grown from my worst; the worst that for years you so cruelly used against me. I see you so clearly now that I don’t hate myself. You thrived on my worst. You constricted me like prey to a python to keep me alone. You kissed my insecurities and fears like you were all I had. You touched my wounds to infect them and keep me wounded. In words on paper it seems it should have been so easy to walk away form you and never look back. But in reality, recovery was the furthest thing from an easy choice. It burned and stung and made me want to burst out of myself. There were times it felt uglier than you. But that’s when I learned healing is a pretty word that isn’t always pretty. I had to disinfect my wounds and open them fresh. I had to immerse myself in salt, learn from them, understand them. I had to feel them and let them heal me good. I had to face my self, raw and vulnerable. I had to let you go and you made your disapproval known. I vacillated, I doubted, and nothing felt right. Until I started to hurt less and realized wow, this is healing.
Unfortunately for you I have every reason to get rid of you. I have a sister who believes in my strength. I have a mother who believes in my kindness. I have a father who believes in my intelligence. I have a whole family who believes in my impact. I have a friend who believes in my talent the way she believes in her own children. And another who believes in my wisdom who’s three year old son believes I am beautiful. I have friends who believe in my fire, my force, my flare. I have a treatment team who believes in my recovery. I have women who I met confronting their own versions of you, women who believe in my existence. And really I could go on. I have an army of love and support. An army who caress the worst of me, who hold me when I feel alone, who kiss me when I feel unloved, who see my best always. I have the one person you never hoped I would find; I have me who believes in every corner and every crevasse of myself. Nothing can save you now.